I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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