I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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