When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
