Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The beer is more important than you right now.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
