i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
