his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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