I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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