This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
