I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
