Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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