She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
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i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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