I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
