I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
