We won't sleep together?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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