So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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