guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
