He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
