you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
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I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
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I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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