I just saw a hot homeless man
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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