I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
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Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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