So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I deserve this hangover.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
