Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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