I think scott just propositioned me for sex
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
No more Irish car bombs ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Randomize
