Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
