Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
