Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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