was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I love you. Go after that dick
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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