He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
