I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
