Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
