My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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