i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
what day is it and did you see me today?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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