Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
