I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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