using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
