You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
