It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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