also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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