too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
