Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think I just shit out all my problems.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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