JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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