it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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