if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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