Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
