I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
