I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
