Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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