when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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