I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
