this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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