I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
