1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
