I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
