Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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