I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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